i see you.

(no subject)

i keep having this dream where i have lock jaw and my teeth are clenched so tightly together in either a huge over bite or under bite that they are all breaking off in my mouth an all over my face and clothes.
ive probably had this dream about 6 or 7 times in the past two months and every time it is so vivid i wake up and have to touch my mouth to convince myself it wasnt real. 
its an awful dream. i need to interpret it or something so i can learn and move on from it.
ugh. i can just feel how it feels in the dream. ugh.



that's all.

i see you.

(no subject)

omg. a flannel shirt and my trusty navy blue knit hat.
its that time again. its that time again!
for whatever reason im excited today. (large black tea, and large dark roast coffee...)
but for the first time in a while i woke up and felt excited in a happy sort of way instead of a nauseas "oh fuck" sort of way. 
and i've been listening to wolf parade and ugly cassanova and not even getting emotional!
today i might even attempt to listen to the lovers. which will be the true test of whether or not i am generally feeling better and ok about things.
i love fall. i just want to go apple picking with all my favorite people that i love more than anyone else.  and then you know.
make pie.

fall is always tough. but in a familliar sort of way. i guess the toughness and melancholy it always carries is sort of comforting.

im settling into the routine of things i think.
i miss maine and all that it holds and everyone it homes. 
and northampton is sort of burlington in a not so hilly or lake-y way. which you know. makes me just miss burlington.

so basically im homesick for everywhere. but today im feeling okay about this new place im living.

also i think i want to write a thesis on something about new england. im just not sure what yet. suggestions? political resistance, ghosts, cultural ideals, economic hardships and progressions, contra dances, state pride, red sox nation, succession?  blueberries, maple syrup, and creamees? what the deal is with connecticut and new hampshire?
did you know during the american revolution and the war of 1812 colonists in vermont and what was soon to be maine fought on the side of the british because they didnt like the way the country was being run and wanted to succeed?

god. i love new england.

i see you.

(no subject)

alright. so three days left of camp.
103 degrees today and 105 tomorrow.
off duty this afternoon and tonight.
sounds like a good excuse to go for a nice long run if you ask me.
or maybe a siesta and a live journal update.
defined quadraceps and maybe even a little tricep crease on my arm.
getting buff. you know.
also learning the art of peer to peer mediation, hyperventalation treatments and power napping.

otherwise completely exhuasted and unsure exactly where i will be in a month.
being that my parents are moving out of maine and i havent registered for classes anywhere.
nothing gets easier once i leave spirit sports camp but that doesnt mean i am not more than ready to get the hell out of here and have a real life again.
without so many hill sprints, screaming adolescent girls, and made up stories about my boyfriend.

i think im dehydrated.
i see you.

(no subject)

i think. next to varsity cross country and uvm rugby. a jalepeno pepper eating contest with my father. a month alone in france. an elliot smith obession and a melancholy jeanette winterson novel.
being in love is the most gruelling and heartwrenching experience i have voluntarily subjected myself to in my life.

but. it does have its perks.
i see you.

(no subject)

so admittedly, and most surely regrettably, livejournal updates no longer particularly dictate much of my internet way of life. or way of life in general.
but i felt i just had to use the ever soothing outlet to voice my confusion, dismay and outright disbelief in the msn news headlines i just read.

star jones has left the view!
but did she quit or was she fired?!

honestly i'm having enough trouble sleeping these days already.
why this? why now?
oh if we cannot count of daytime television,
what can we count on!?

what hope is left?

my father tells me hope is detrimental whereas it is the result of fear and fear is a result of the ego and the ego is what we are trying to rid of ourselves because only then we will be happy.

he's a pretty hopeful guy.
i see you.

a rise and shiner

and then came the day when our hero faced the sunrise and sauntered speedily off.
before most coffee makers in burlington vermont even began to percolate.

at least thats the plan anyway.

farethewell vermont. until next time.

strange. very odd indeed.
i see you.


so. bouncing around a bit on a surely fleeting high from just running about 7 miles.
ive been brooding and moping and wallowing most of the afternoon. crashing into nap zone from a 3 cup caffeine surge this morning. breaking into tears twice. both inconvient occaisions. resorting to even (gasp) eating a dark chocolate lindt truffle.
being sad during rainy weather is somewhat called for, and as miserable as it is to cry and lie wide eyed on ones bed for much longer than is appropriate, it is still justified when its pouring out.
however when it is sunny, 79 degrees, with cumulous clouds and a crisp breeze swirling outside. being sad and self pitying seems just pathetic. not getting out of bed at 7am seems a waste of precious time. and staying in to self medicate is nonsensical. so i went running for an hour. and im going out for drinks. and working on committing myself to something other than a semi long lost love.

im so sick of trying to plan the future.
jesus christ.

i think secretly its my favorite thing to melancholy and melodramatic.


im really not that sad.
i think today im just scared of everything that's about to happen and i'm homesick for many things. one in particular.
i see you.

(no subject)

how bout a smith summer study abroad in prague. anyone? anyone?
riot girl folk punk establishment? yes? yes?

in other news. rain rain rain.
coffee coffee coffee.
messy bike accident.
sprained knee! chipped hip?! scrapped elbows!
asprin asprin asprin.
pot belly.
nervous nervous father.
summer plan confusion.
jealousy over the location of one, laura lee.
utter bewilderment.
the kings of convienence.
a missing lover girl.
annnnnnnnnnnnd. trying not to burn the house down.

how about a czech riot girl folk punk establishment! that's right! alright!